I think you should know this about me up front: I have no feather in my hair. Frankly, I fear the feather. What terrifies me most about it is the potential of being called out by teenagers in public places because of my feather.
"Oh. My. Gawd. Did you see that, like, really old mom with the feather extension in her hair?" Eyes roll. Fingers are pointed. A gaggle of teenage girls busts out into not-so-subtle laughter.
There are certain trends I can hang with. I can rock a pair of straight jeans, but I won't go so far as the skin-tight camel-toe-inflicting skinny jeans. Unless they begin making them to come up to your ribcage, in which case existing muffin tops then become a discount boob job.
Any trend that I've already worn once and originated in another decade of my life probably does not need to go back on my body--which rules out a good portion of the '80s, as well as most of what is in stores right now. But thank God, that means I will never "get" to wear legwarmers again. Phew.
I wouldn't mind big hair coming back, just a little. I'm good with hot rollers. And high hair is kind of like a good pair of heels--who needs to lose weight when you can just gain height?
But the truth is that trends are for a younger generation. Because it is only fair--might I say even constitutional?--that we all have the right to ridiculous looking pictures of ourselves holding up a red solo cup, half-falling on an equally style-deprived friend next to us, grinning like an idiot. How else would we identify that picture as being from our college years, if it wasn't for the stone-washed jeans and striped rugby shirt? Okay, so there is that guy being held upside down drinking from the keg in the background, but really--that could be anywhere in your 20s.
Why is it that women try so hard to follow these trends when we should be way beyond the following stage of life? You don't see grown men with the Bieber. "According to market trends, we are right on course." Pause for a hair flip. "Profits for the next quarter are slated to be up ten percent." Turns to show power point and hikes up dress pants which are creatively belted to begin just at the bottom of his suit jacket.
But we girls--er, women--are hanging on to this stuff by a bra strap, which we would have been horrified to show when we ourselves were teenagers, but now could care less about. Oh, except for that phase when we all wore lace shirts. And lace fingerless gloves. And lace leggings. Is it possible Madonna was getting a kickback from the lace industry? But I digress. Case in point: Roseanne Barr has a feather. Can you say, ewwww? Even I would join the teenage girls on that one. Way to ruin it for the really cool girls, like Hilary Duff.
Meanwhile, maybe I'll work on bringing back a different trend. Instead of a feather in my hair, let's just go back another decade and bring back feathered hair. The Farrah. Now THAT was a good look. And I can get my hot rollers back out.